The New iKAPLOW!

I don't own an iPod.

I don't own an iMac either. I don't own an iLife, iTV, iCar, iBicycle, an iChair, or an iRock. I don't own an iAnything.

There, I said it. Please don't laugh.

The car I drive right now, a 2000 Volvo S40, sucks. In retaliation, I recently drove my shabby, little Volvo straight into a car dealership, and I test drove a brand new, shiny blue Mazda3 right in front of it (sorry, no pics). I just didn't care about my current car's feelings anymore. I'm gangsta like that.

While driving my new mistress around town, I asked the salesman what the little port between the two front seats was for. He told me, in his gleeful salesman voice, that it was for my iPod. It was a direct connect to the car radio.

"I don't own an iPod," I told him.

Apparently, his pitch had been built around the idea that he'd be selling to a normal person, because he now had no idea what to say. I could tell. I could tell because he was staring at me as if I'd just told him I thought Keanu Reeves was the greatest actor of our time.

Finally, he simply laughed a nervous sort of laugh and continued on. "…You can play any of your iPod's MP3s straight through your stereo speakers.

"I don't own an iPod," I repeated in retaliation.

He stopped laughing and demanded that I turn the car around immediately.

At the dealership again, I was approached by a smiling, rainbowy manager. He shook my hand, sat me down, and asked me if I truly didn't own an iPod. I told him I really, really didn't. He looked at me as if I'd just told him Bobby Boucher was my personal Jesus.

He walked back to the other salesmen on the floor. After a moment, they all looked my way. Then they laughed.

They laughed and laughed.

What I'm saying is that I still own a 2000 Volvo S40. And I don't own an iPod. I don't own an iAnything.

That's why I'm proud to announce that the release of the new iPhone has been dubbed the iPocalypse by websites everywhere (despite changing the face of the cell phone market yet again and posting record breaking sales that would leave most blockbuster movies in sniffles).

Anywho, I think the new iPhone sucks bandunkadonk. Not as much as my car, but almost. And here are the top four reasons why:

1. The i is everywhere!

Cars are being built iPod ready. They've built speakers for your iPod that look like cute little dogs. There are airports with iPod vending machines. iPhone fansites are competing for your membership. Fact is, the i has infiltrated every facet of our lives.

But it gets worse! There's even iGoogle now. Seriously. Do you know what that means? The iPod has now infiltrated that which had already infiltrated every facet of our lives.

That's crazy, yo!

One day, there really will be an iToilet.

But I don't want it. I don't want yet another thing to become everything. I don't need a new device that can watch me, and control me, and warn me against synching up illegally downloaded music, or eating too much candy, or looking at too many porn sites.

I already have a girlfriend.

2. It has too many names.

The New iPhone. The iPhone 2. The iPhone 3G. This thing has more names than P. Diddy. Here's an actual conversation that never happened:

Gentleman 1: Hey, have you heard about the new iPhone?

Gentleman 2: You mean the iPhone 3G?

Gentleman 1: Yeah, the iPhone 2. I've heard it has a lightning fast browser and integrated GPS capabilities.

Gentleman 2: You mean the iPhone 3G has a lightning fast browser and integrated GPS capabilities.

Gentleman 1: It's the iPhone 2.

Gentleman 2: No, it's officially the iPhone 3G.

Gentleman 1: Sure, if you're still using a PC.

Gentleman 2: Don't make me shoot you, n!@@*.

3. The iPocalypse is here!

Many first-come customers attempting to download new iTunes 7.7 software to their new iPhones were getting error messages stating "page not found." This left several customers who waited overnight to get their new iPhones extremely unhappy.

I don't know what all that means, really, but I'm very giddy about it.

4. It's on the AT&T network.

Okay, this one's a real complaint. AT&T Wireless is another thing that sucks. I know people who are on AT&T. Here's another conversation that's never taken place but could…maybe…someday:

Me [answering my phone]: Hello?

My friend: Hey, man, what's going on? Just calling to let you know I'm calling you from my new iPhone!

Me: Oh, that's…great.

My friend: Yeah, man, I would have IMed ya, but it's waaaay too expensive.

Me: Oh yeah.

My friend: For real. Hey, listen, I was wondering if you could kzzzzktkssshhktck tomorrow. BLECKSSSSHHHH my phone!!!

Me: What? Hey, you're going in and out.

My friend: Oh, sorry, I'm on AT&T now. I asked if you could kzzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkchhhhhhzzz!

Me: Hello?

My friend: You still there?

Me: I'm here. Can you hear me?

My friend: What--bbbzzzzkkkktttt?

Me: Can you hear me now?

My friend: You still kssshhhh? I can't kkkkkpshhhhhh.

Me: You there?

My friend: What did you BZZZZZKKKKKAAAAA!

Me: I said I had sex with your mom!

My friend: Wha—kccccccccsssshhhKAPLOW?

Me: I said she's a real screamer.

My friend: Oh, haha! I bet she was. What's her name?

The iPhone ruins friendships. It destroys societies.

So I don't own an iPhone. I don't own an iMac. I don't own an iPod Classic, an iPod Shuffle, an iPod Touch, an iPod Nano, an iPod Micro, or an iPod Subatomic Level.

I have a cell phone and it makes calls. Go figure.